Gah, it's a dismal day outside. Here's some rainy day tunes to go with my post.
I slept through my alarm this morning. This is odd for two reasons. 1. My alarm is set on my phone which sleeps with me in the bed all night next to my ear for the sole purpose of avoiding sleeping in, and 2. I've been having this terrible insomnia lately which means I'm usually up way before my alarm anyway.
So imagine my surprise when my second alarm goes off at 9:15am and I'm still in bed, feeling rested for the first time in...a week? Or has it been two weeks? Time has been weird so who knows. I think it's the rain. Rain always soothes me, and despite the fact that it was the most beautiful snow a few days ago (and spring the day before that), suddenly it was raining. People blame global warming, but I still think I'm a weather goddess. Before I realized that my mood was INCREDIBLY weather sensitive, I used to think that the weather was actually responding to my mood instead of influencing it. And now, even though I'm apparently an adult about 90 days from the adult world, I'm starting to go back to that line of thinking. Maybe the weather is so crazy erratic because my mood has been so crazy erratic. It was snowing these fat, happy contented flakes when I was feeling at peace, then the next day that gave way to sun and warm weather, just when I was feeling happy and optimistic. Now though, after another battle with insomnia, I'm beginning to feel doubtful, and a little bit afraid.
It's always the odds and ends of thought that keep me awake, things I can't change or don't understand or both. Death. My future. Things I've done wrong that haven't caught up to me yet. Things I've done wrong that I haven't even realized. Loneliness.
I've tried self-medicating a bit, but I don't like the way Z-quil makes me feel, and I'm totally unwilling to try anything harder. I've started doing yoga before bed and meditating, which helps some, but mostly I've been camping out on my couch. I do too much work and homework on my bed, which I know psychologically makes it harder for you to sleep in your own bed (because it becomes a place you associate with work and stress instead of rest), so I've started using a desk for the first time in years, pressed up against my bedroom window. But mostly I've been couching it up, watching movies on Netflix where everyone is more stressed than I am until the weight of everyone else's heavy burdens push me down to sleep. Some times this happens at 2:00am, sometimes it happens at 6:00am. After four or so hours of sleeping and dozing I wake up and start my day.
I've never considered myself an anxious person, but I know it's mostly anxiety that's keeping me up. Again, there's no way I'm taking meds for that (I don't even use shampoo anymore because I'm that wary of chemicals; thanks for the help in finding alternatives by the way Trish!). So I'm hoping talking about it with you guys, or at least sharing it with you, will help take some of the burden off.
Some of it is coming from too much work/homework and not enough time.
Some of it is coming from sadness over having to graduate and say good bye to my friends. And of course the uncertainty surrounding my future.
Some of it comes from (GOOD NEWS ALERT) the fact that I got the Alaska job as a horseback guide! Which I'm am thrilled about but also sooooooo incredibly nervous about. Is it childish of me to run off to Alaska and ride ponies for five months? How will this help me get a future career? What if I'm putting off finding a real job, and thus I never get one? How will this help me pay off my loans? Should I just stay in Chicago and work in the bookstore? What if what if what if?
What if what if what if.
I slept through my alarm this morning. This is odd for two reasons. 1. My alarm is set on my phone which sleeps with me in the bed all night next to my ear for the sole purpose of avoiding sleeping in, and 2. I've been having this terrible insomnia lately which means I'm usually up way before my alarm anyway.
So imagine my surprise when my second alarm goes off at 9:15am and I'm still in bed, feeling rested for the first time in...a week? Or has it been two weeks? Time has been weird so who knows. I think it's the rain. Rain always soothes me, and despite the fact that it was the most beautiful snow a few days ago (and spring the day before that), suddenly it was raining. People blame global warming, but I still think I'm a weather goddess. Before I realized that my mood was INCREDIBLY weather sensitive, I used to think that the weather was actually responding to my mood instead of influencing it. And now, even though I'm apparently an adult about 90 days from the adult world, I'm starting to go back to that line of thinking. Maybe the weather is so crazy erratic because my mood has been so crazy erratic. It was snowing these fat, happy contented flakes when I was feeling at peace, then the next day that gave way to sun and warm weather, just when I was feeling happy and optimistic. Now though, after another battle with insomnia, I'm beginning to feel doubtful, and a little bit afraid.
It's always the odds and ends of thought that keep me awake, things I can't change or don't understand or both. Death. My future. Things I've done wrong that haven't caught up to me yet. Things I've done wrong that I haven't even realized. Loneliness.
I've tried self-medicating a bit, but I don't like the way Z-quil makes me feel, and I'm totally unwilling to try anything harder. I've started doing yoga before bed and meditating, which helps some, but mostly I've been camping out on my couch. I do too much work and homework on my bed, which I know psychologically makes it harder for you to sleep in your own bed (because it becomes a place you associate with work and stress instead of rest), so I've started using a desk for the first time in years, pressed up against my bedroom window. But mostly I've been couching it up, watching movies on Netflix where everyone is more stressed than I am until the weight of everyone else's heavy burdens push me down to sleep. Some times this happens at 2:00am, sometimes it happens at 6:00am. After four or so hours of sleeping and dozing I wake up and start my day.
I've never considered myself an anxious person, but I know it's mostly anxiety that's keeping me up. Again, there's no way I'm taking meds for that (I don't even use shampoo anymore because I'm that wary of chemicals; thanks for the help in finding alternatives by the way Trish!). So I'm hoping talking about it with you guys, or at least sharing it with you, will help take some of the burden off.
Some of it is coming from too much work/homework and not enough time.
Some of it is coming from sadness over having to graduate and say good bye to my friends. And of course the uncertainty surrounding my future.
Some of it comes from (GOOD NEWS ALERT) the fact that I got the Alaska job as a horseback guide! Which I'm am thrilled about but also sooooooo incredibly nervous about. Is it childish of me to run off to Alaska and ride ponies for five months? How will this help me get a future career? What if I'm putting off finding a real job, and thus I never get one? How will this help me pay off my loans? Should I just stay in Chicago and work in the bookstore? What if what if what if?
What if what if what if.
I've been dealing with bouts of insomnia as well. I'm glad to have Ouija to smother on nights where worry makes my stomach sour and my thoughts race. Yoga breathing and melatonin have been my friends when Ouija (tolerant thing though she is) has had enough of my shit. Here's to hoping your sleep improves soon.
ReplyDeleteAND CONGRATS ON ALASKA. It's going to be a quiet time without you, but you better upload lots of pictures on here with idk. special alaska music. And I hope there are cute guys there because the picture that the History/Discovery channel's reality shows have painted is not a pretty one. (P. Much you can find really good deals on mounted whale penis bones.)
I usually have the TV on in order to fall asleep myself, but its always those not-hard-to-follow super simple comedies that are constantly running reruns that do the trick--that way you don't have to be mentally engaged at all and the background sounds help lull me to sleep. You could always try music, too, maybe? I really like the soundtrack for that PS3 game Journey (OST by Austin Wintory if you want to check it out) and I know my roommate has been listening to it a lot at night to go to sleep. Maybe give it a whirl?
ReplyDeleteHope your sleeping improves!
WHAT ALASKA SO COOL
ReplyDeleteI heard they PAY people to LIVE THERE. And also that it's BEAUTIFUL
And you know how to ride horses? Horses are kind of scaryyyyy
Also this song is so moody and great and what is it seriously live this is sick
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT LEAVING ME BEHIND. WE WILL BE TOGETHER IN SPIRIT.
As far as sleeping goes, how's your diet/exercise routine? I imagine it's pretty good, but I know I stopped being so active this winter (because it's effin' cold in Milwaukee) and I haven't been sleeping well either.