The Darkest Timeline

I have spent the last few days agonizing over where I went wrong. At what point did I make the wrong decision, take the wrong turn in the road that has led me to this point? I cannot for the life of figure out where this went so wrong, where I made the wrong decision. I try so hard to do the right thing and be there when people need me, but it's just not enough this semester. And I just can't figure out why. Which really fucking sucks.

Don't ever say that things can't get worse because this is the semester that will show you just how wrong you are.

A guy I knew died last night. Fell out of a window. I don't know how high or when it happened or how it happened. Judging from the general rumors and speculation, it wasn't an accident. I'm not going to lie and say that I knew him really well. It was a sort of I could pick him out of a crowd and I knew his name, but we weren't even facebook friends. But he was such a nice guy. This awkward, gangly kid with an intense afro and the craziest sock collection. He was planning on going to The Hobbit next week. He had an internship with Dropbox this summer. I just don't understand. I don't understand why or how.

I don't understand how after doing my damnest all semester for everyone who asked, I wind up alone in my dorm room crying about a boy I barely knew.

I went out with my friends just to be with people, but Adam (who knew the guy better than I) wanted to see me. So after literally 3 minutes with my friends, I went back to him. We hung out for awhile. And then I get a message from my former roommate that her life is falling apart, so I run out to help her. To talk her about what is upsetting her.

During that timeframe, the friends with whom I was originally with were talking about going to a 24-hour diner. I note that I miss all the fun things. One of them responds, "well, we probably won't be moving for awhile." I tell them to keep me posted.

They don't.

I finish with my former roommate and call my friends. They went on without me. They completely forget me. Which fucking sucks. Because I have dropped so many things on a fucking dime for them and I am not even a first or second thought to them. This past week, I have stayed up ungodly late to finish work because someone showed up at my house in tears and needed to talk. Or I was out walking alone to get to a place because someone needed me there. And yet they cannot even remember to text me or bother to ask how things are going. And I cannot bring myself to talk to them because I know what they are going through and I do not want to add to anything.

But where does that leave me?

I want to fix this, but I can't.

I can't bring the dead back. I can't fix relationships. I can't undo what has been done. I cannot make this better. I can only hope to good enough to skate by.

There are 10 days left to this semester. I just have to survive.

I hate to dump all of this on you guys, especially without a song to lighten this up. But these are dark times. And I don't even have any matches.

EDIT: Rereading this the next day and I feel selfish all things considered. But I don't think that should negate some things.