I feel like we're all playing a game of hide and seek except we forgot to pick a seeker.

Hi! Remember me! Hi! I am such a terrible person! I always read and never post because, don'tchaknow, I'm so so so busy.

So here I am, a few hours before second thanksgiving when I will be able to spontaneously embrace all of you after....months? years? and despite that it always feels like I saw all of you yesterday. Who does that? Who has that?

So I have to be honest, I haven't kept up with the last...two months of post? So I went back and read them and was just crying, because it made me miss all of you. I just, I think, get so wrapped up in my life, and being the Editor-in-Chief of a newspaper and a responsible person who suddenly writes a senior thesis and reaaaaalllyyyy lonnnngggggg papersssss about poetry, and has every hour of her day scheduled down to the minute because otherwise I will drown instead of doing the slowly sinking thing I'm managing now that I just FORGET that there is something else out there.

Looming. 

What I meant by my title is this (answered in a circular way that will probably find its way back to some holistic theme):

My super smart brother, who spent literally his WHOLE life saying he was going to be a theoretical physicist, is now applying to get his masters in education and will probably teach high school physics in Boston. How perfect is that for him? it is!

His friend Andrew, who wanted to go to seminary and be a pastor until suddenly he didn't is getting married even though he cleans malls right now or something like that. Doesn't have a clue what's next.

My friend from school was dreading spending thanksgiving with her family because her cousin is in nursing school and she's only an English major and well, we all know who's going to have a nice job don't we heh? *insert snide comments, pointed questions and knowing looks*

My mom said to me yesterday, out of the blue, "You know, I was thinking the other day, when you girls move back in after school, that small bathroom will be yours and you can keep all your stuff in there. Isn't that perfect?" And I was literally stunned because me moving back in with my parents after school suddenly just became a thing that was happening. (and because that was a perfect idea even though there isn't much counter space in there...)

The best laid plans...My brother stopped coming back home after his freshman year. He just always seemed to have ideas. I feel like I have tons of ideas but no will to act on them. All this real world stuff just makes me so lethargic. Grad school is a huge no. I'm done with school for a while, and I'm broke to boot. Plus, I literally just skipped two days of school to come back early and was like, FORGET SCHOOL MAAAAN. so clearly further higher education is not for me right now. Do I get an apartment in Chicago and work in the book store (which is a very very very real thing). What if that becomes a thing? What if I really like it? What if I just pick up and move to Taiwan where I learn Chinese (mandarin) and teach English? That's also a really really real thing. But what if these really hard months between seeing you guys become really hard years? I'd be lying if I said I didn't still hold the bookstore we all need to open as the ultimate goal in my life, but I feel like that's a lot of pressure to put on people.

I guess the thing is, no one really knows what the next step is, because no one has planned it for us. That is so so terrifying isn't it? Its all on us, you, me now and I'm floundering. But I'm also pretty stoked for it, ya know? And, well, we have each other and I don't think I need much else right now. Except maybe someone to write these papers for me.

So, if that doesn't make up for months of not posting, I don't know what will (besides more consistent posting of course).

A quick catch up for my life atm: My favorite bar in town burned down and I am DEVASTATED. I'm writing/illustrating/designing a children's book for my book design class and it's going to be printed like a real book. In hard cover! I also have finally hit my academic stride and am earning all A's this semester...though I have some pretty big research papers coming up. I'm still figuring out what my next step is, and I'm so so scared. I have bubblegum pink pants that I'm wearing tonight and I love them, even though I never thought I would ever wear pink. Like, ever. I'm also working a lot at the bookstore this winter break, so please come visit me and prove to my co-workers that I have friends. You can all buy some wine and books while you're there.

I have also been listening to Blind Pilot a lot, even though it makes me sad sometimes. I like to think this is one of those songs they play in the last few minutes of a movie where the heroine has gone through some life changing moments, and even though the future is so uncertain, she's a better person for the experience and moving forward. You know, she just walked out of some building and is looking into the distance (the universal movie sign for thinking ahead to the future) with a small, hopeful, slightly embittered smile on her face--I am not projecting at all.