What am I doing with my life?

I'm not sure how to begin this post as my mind just wants to like vomit all of my thoughts into the virtual (...digital?) page and be done with it, but I feel this sudden fit of terror, uncertainty, and self-condemnation should be prefaced a bit.

It dawned on me today that I leave the country in two weeks.  I am LEAVING the country in two weeks. I'm flying alone across the Atlantic to a place I have never been, to be with people I don't know,  and spending thousands of dollars to study materials that will not make me any more employable. It's a daunting thought, when it is cut that way.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go and all of that jazz. I really am. But it's late and I spent my evening watching YouTube videos of people who seem to be way more in control of their lives and being successful as well. Or at least being successful in ways that I want to be successful. I want to be better, but I lack the motivation. And YouTube is not helping.

Tonight is the night of grandiose ideas that will undoubtedly falter in the morning light. But that's not what I need to hear right now. Or what any of us need to hear.

We need to hear that we are young, the world is at our fingertips. That we are infallible, invincible,  and just crazy enough to make it work, to make everything work. We can solve everything, we just need to focus. *

[It reminds me of a book I read when I was much younger and I do not remember the name. All I remember of the plot is that it's about a young white girl and young black boy who are friends around the 1950s I want to say, but I'm unsure of the timeframe. Anyway, the boy gets his throat cut by a homeless man in the woods and the girl nearly dies from the flu or whatever. BUT what I remember distinctly is that once she recovers her father returns from the war or wherever he was and he promises his daughter that nothing bad will ever happen again. And the narrator (who is the grown up daughter) says something like "We knew it was a lie, but we both needed that lie" ]

*We know it's a lie, but it's what we need to hear right now.

I don't know. YouTube complied with lack of sleep, relationship frustrations, and the impending stress of leaving the country, has gotten me all worked up.

I should be sleeping, or replying to emails, or making lists, but I'm not. I'm standing in the kitchen, eating cookie dough because I AM AN ADULT!

 Anyway, you guys should make me sexy, awesome playlists to listen to while I am traveling because we all know I am not going to even try to befriend the random person sitting next to me on my plane ride across the pond. Also I am in a huge musical rut, listening to the same songs by the same bands forever, which can be seen in my music choice for this post.

I really like this. It kinda bothered me that in movie there wasn't really a melody to the song. She was just kinda doing a spoken poetry sort of thing.