Last night was a strange night. A night full of questions. A night full of crisis. I am talking full-blown crisis here. Like waking up in the middle of the night and thinking and slowly becoming more and more terrified of whatever it is that you are thinking of.
And last night, I could not stop thinking about the future. It started out with simple, inevitable happenings in the near future: friends graduating this year and leaving my life forever. How sad! I already miss everyone that graduated last year! As my thoughts wandered further and further into the future, they expanded into the fear-bringing monster that is a crisis.
Selfishly, at first, I wondered, "What about me? Where will I go? What will I do for a living? Why am I so super useless? Why did I even go to a four-year college?"
Swiftly, my thoughts spiraled out of control. "What about my friends? They are going places too. Far away. Forever. Will we still hang out?"
And so on until I was in enough tears to make anyone else in the room extremely uncomfortable.
The unknown future is absolutely terrifying. It is terrifying knowing that you have a nearly useless degree that you spent thousands of dollars on. It is more terrifying knowing that people with better GPAs, internships, qualifications, and personalities than you are struggling to find a good-paying job. It is the most terrifying knowing that you don't want to stay at home, in the Midwest. And neither do your friends.
There really isn't any comfort in the truth, but there certainly is even less comfort in the unknown. So let me know your future plans! Where are you going? For how long? Why? What will you do?
As for me, Oregon is looking more and more promising. It is green and rainy and cool, with all the seasons. It is coastal and mountainous and I am excited to do something there. Anything. Probably work as a secretary. And that is about all I know.
I've been feeling this way a lot lately, too. My dad and I were talking about how ridiculous it is that we all go to school, spending tons of money to do so, just dig ourselves into a nice little debt hole that will probably exceed the amount of money we wind up making post-graduation because the job market is total crap.
ReplyDeleteI'm also more than a little annoyed with the way things apparently *have* to be in order to even stand a chance at getting a job right out of college. Like, people look at me and say, "hey! writing and publishing major! why aren't you writing for the school newspaper?" Apparently it does not matter that I loathe and detest journalism almost as much as I hate poetry. And it struck me as more than a little fucking stupid that I would have to resign myself to partaking in an extracurricular activity I hate just to impress someone. I guess the idea that I'm paying crazy sums of money to go to school to do things I actually enjoy is a moot point, though I *really* don't see how writing the same damn articles for the paper year after year is really going to set anyone apart in the job market. "What's that--you wrote about advising matters for class registration EVERY semester? BRAVO! Have a job!" If this is how it has to be, I am not sure that I want any part of it.
Screw it. I want to be an author, not a journalist. Maybe one day I'll start my own independent publishing company. Why the hell not, right? I want to go live on the east coast, in beautiful Maryland, and I will go to that Edgar Allan Poe bar and write and write and write until I accomplish something. If that means I have to take on other jobs, then so be it. Those other jobs can just be more experience I can use for writing.
You should hook up with Zaubi Publishing Co.
ReplyDeleteAND YOU WILL ALL LIVE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE UNITED STATES <:C I AM THE SADDEST CHILD.
When/if we all get out of debt, can we get a tiny vacation shack for us to party in
I think we would be pretty much obliged to do that if we ever get the money to spare. Or at least have certain holiday celebrations with each other, hosted by a different person every year. Doesn't even have to be a legit holiday. We can just make it up.
ReplyDeleteI fully intend to be one of those odd old ladies who still listens to odd music and plays video games.
I know exactly how you feel Amy. The future freaks me out and I am convinced that I will never be employed in the profession I want. And all I want to do is be happy. And hang out this you guys. Though I suppose hanging out with you guys falls under the being happy thing.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate, I don't know what I am doing in the next two hours.
I'm already a year out of school and my REAL ADULT JOB is hanging over my head but I'm so freaked out by the process of turning the paperwork in (what if I find that the job isn't for me? What if it was all a waste of time and money?) that I have yet to do it. I still don't feel like an adult. I feel like the same stupid kid I was in high school, maybe even middle school. I suppose I need to get my shit together soon so I can actually start making money and get out of this abusive dead-end job.
ReplyDeleteAs for the future... I want to move to the Netherlands, but I don't know how the job-visa thing goes (so I guess that falls under the getting my shit together category). I don't know. The future seems like such a pipe dream.
I do hope that if things don't work out how we want them to, that between us we can open up our dream bookstore/cafe. Open 24 hours with a rotating menu. And we can live upstairs and everything will be just marvelous.
Guess we'll find out in time.
Well, if you feel like a change of scenery in the next two years, come live with me in Maryland for a while! Ouija and Frankie can plot to rule the world!
ReplyDeleteAnd damn it, girl, turn in that paper work! You enjoyed massage therapy while you were learning it, right? So I'd definitely give it a shot. Build up a clientele, maybe, and have a private practice that would allow you to pursue something else if you it's not enough for you/not a right fit for you. It'll be *something*, and that something will not be working in Georgetown, so that's gotta be a step up, right?
http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=8547
ReplyDelete^ Regarding that link: I think a desk job would be the death of me.
ReplyDeleteThe future is terrifying, guys. Sometimes it seems exciting, mostly when I look at it from far away without my glasses on. But if I try and picture it more concretely it rushes at me like an angry seagull and then I go and sit in a corner to read a book or something.
So, laassst Monday? I think? Megan and I ran into each other on the train platform. Like, full on collision and everythin'. It was delightful. On the train ride downtown we talked about having a meeting (all official and business casual-like) about The Future. Just so we all know what we're all thinking and we can sit in a room together while we freak out and possibly cry into our tea/hot chocolate/cold chocolate for Missy. Not that she'll be crying. That'll be me lol.
But seriously, we should do something like that.
We are all in the same place. It's really terrifying here though, because sometimes I think I'm the only person in my India group who doesn't have a CLUE what's going on with my life. Seriously! India is just a stepping stone on their well planned carefully arranged future path, and...I just came here to explore! I mean, I have these really vague ideas about publishing, but do I really want a cubicle job for the next few years of my life? Do I really want to be stuck in the same place for years and years while my life slips by and I can't travel or anything because I'm too busy working my life around my *work schedule*??
ReplyDeleteMe? I say forget it and lets just open a 24 hour bookstore/bakery/massage place somewhere and live frat-boy style on the top floors. Yeah. I'm all for this "meeting of the future minds while we weep" thing.
Guys, you have no idea how badly I want to open that store. I am not even kidding. And with everything going digital, indie bookstores will have that retro feel! We just need to find a place filled with hipsters and people who were sad to see bookstores go!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, do you guys have any idea how much more real this bookstore gig is sounding to me?
ReplyDeleteI MEAN COME ON. We pick a college town for a while and be open 24 hours, with Trisha giving massages, Missy writing, Sarah, Rachel, and I operating (gotta have that business degree for SOMETHING, right?), Morgan doing history stuff and running the bookstore, and Amy doing the baking. WE WOULD MAKE A KILLING on a college campus!
The point is, we could all be together for a while longer, though I'm also open to us doing this later when we're all older and (kind of) have money.
Anyway, I wanna publish books in the future (probably) or be a translator or something. I went to the Career Center the other day to seem all prepared, but I balked after a few visits and fled.
Fled fast.
I'll go back later.
Anyway, I still have Spain so we'll figure that all out later then. Maybe I'll be inspired.
Prolly I'll just get lost a lot.