Notes from a new insomniac

Gah, it's a dismal day outside. Here's some rainy day tunes to go with my post.

I slept through my alarm this morning. This is odd for two reasons. 1. My alarm is set on my phone which sleeps with me in the bed all night next to my ear for the sole purpose of avoiding sleeping in, and 2. I've been having this terrible insomnia lately which means I'm usually up way before my alarm anyway.

So imagine my surprise when my second alarm goes off at 9:15am and I'm still in bed, feeling rested for the first time in...a week? Or has it been two weeks? Time has been weird so who knows. I think it's the rain. Rain always soothes me, and despite the fact that it was the most beautiful snow a few days ago (and spring the day before that), suddenly it was raining. People blame global warming, but I still think I'm a weather goddess. Before I realized that my mood was INCREDIBLY weather sensitive, I used to think that the weather was actually responding to my mood instead of influencing it. And now, even though I'm apparently an adult about 90 days from the adult world, I'm starting to go back to that line of thinking. Maybe the weather is so crazy erratic because my mood has been so crazy erratic. It was snowing these fat, happy contented flakes when I was feeling at peace, then the next day that gave way to sun and warm weather, just when I was feeling happy and optimistic. Now though, after another battle with insomnia, I'm beginning to feel doubtful, and a little bit afraid.

It's always the odds and ends of thought that keep me awake, things I can't change or don't understand or both. Death. My future. Things I've done wrong that haven't caught up to me yet. Things I've done wrong that I haven't even realized. Loneliness.

I've tried self-medicating a bit, but I don't like the way Z-quil makes me feel, and I'm totally unwilling to try anything harder. I've started doing yoga before bed and meditating, which helps some, but mostly I've been camping out on my couch. I do too much work and homework on my bed, which I know psychologically makes it harder for you to sleep in your own bed (because it becomes a place you associate with work and stress instead of rest), so I've started using a desk for the first time in years, pressed up against my bedroom window. But mostly I've been couching it up, watching movies on Netflix where everyone is more stressed than I am until the weight of everyone else's heavy burdens push me down to sleep. Some times this happens at 2:00am, sometimes it happens at 6:00am. After four or so hours of sleeping and dozing I wake up and start my day.

I've never considered myself an anxious person, but I know it's mostly anxiety that's keeping me up. Again, there's no way I'm taking meds for that (I don't even use shampoo anymore because I'm that wary of chemicals; thanks for the help in finding alternatives by the way Trish!). So I'm hoping talking about it with you guys, or at least sharing it with you, will help take some of the burden off.

Some of it is coming from too much work/homework and not enough time.

Some of it is coming from sadness over having to graduate and say good bye to my friends. And of course the uncertainty surrounding my future.

Some of it comes from (GOOD NEWS ALERT) the fact that I got the Alaska job as a horseback guide! Which I'm am thrilled about but also sooooooo incredibly nervous about. Is it childish of me to run off to Alaska and ride ponies for five months? How will this help me get a future career? What if I'm putting off finding a real job, and thus I never get one? How will this help me pay off my loans? Should I just stay in Chicago and work in the bookstore? What if what if what if?

What if what if what if.

Less Content, More Music

Not a whole lot to say at the moment, to be honest. Classes are going alright, the end is in sight (I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT CEREMONY), and if they push back the BioShock: Infinite release date one more time I'm going to scream.

BUT ANYWAY.

I need music. But a certain kind! But not the kind I can just tap into a search engine and hope for the best for, because it's an idea rather than a genre, so I am asking you lovely folks for ideas. 

What kind of music belongs in a playlist called "Urban Decay?"

GO. 

DO ME PROUD.

Though I will still love you if you can't think of anything.

...Probably. 

Note: music does not need to be The Birthday Massacre or even The Birthday Massacre-esque. Which is why trying to use Pandora can prove difficult, since they get a little *too* into the genre and I'm aiming for variety. Also interested in seein' what y'all can come up with :)

We're Chained

I want to be positive. 
I want to be upbeat. 
But really, I'm just hoping everything will finally fall into place.

But it's not.
Not yet, at least. 

If anything, everything is falling apart.


I feel like I am less certain of what I want to do with my life than ever before.

With decision time looming closer, I am just backing myself further and further into a corner. 

I don't want to think about the future.


I just want to sit down and play video games.

I'm feeling pretty trapped right now. 

What kind of job experience do I have?  It's pretty useless, whatever it is.

What do I even want to do with it anyway? 
Where do I even want to go? 
Who do I want by my side?
What am I willing to sacrifice? And to what end?


But somehow, I really am not that worried about it. 
I mean, what good will worrying do?

Everything seems to work out for everyone, in some way, shape, or form.
Life's been good to us so far...


I'm sure we'll all be fine, with whatever it is that we're going to do.

New Zealand, man. Fuckin New Zealand

I aint got much to say, except

You're in the Wrong Part of Town, Buddy

I can taste the sweet freedom of winter break.  I have completed the treacherous Nine Project Week.  I have lost several days of sleep, survived many hours of car-sick feelings, and thwarted some minor hallucinations.

I return to this mortal realm only to see all of you struggling, and I would like to give you words of comfort.  It is hard!  You will be tired!  But you CAN do it, because you are all fucking fantastic.
You all make me as happy as this cleavage bird:

Please let me know if you guys need any help!  I have a lot of free time until the end of the semester.  I can research for you.  I can distract.  I can recommend games or movies or TV shows.  I can chat.  Let me help all of you!

When I was working on my projects, I found that ingesting too much caffeine and listening to instrumentals really helped me focus and write.  Also, video game music.   Lone Star is a song from a quirky indie game I picked up in a Humble Bundle.  You can tell it was designed for a touch-screen tablet or phone, but is workable on a computer as well.  It's kind of like a puzzle/action/mystery game, where the main character is on a quest to conquer some unconquerable power at great cost.

It is full of interesting, original music and incredibly silly and witty one-liners.  Colorful, yet dark pixel scenery sets a good tone for the gameplay.  The world is a little small, but there is a lot of originality behind the way it is laid out and the events that occur in it.  It's even a thought-provoking game, in a "what the heck is going on and whyyyy" kind of way.  Most indie games these days are platformers, puzzle, or physics games, so this was a refreshing game to play, and something I'd recommend to others.

Ugh.  Rainbows.  Scythians loath rainbows.

On the Merits of Procrastination

Sometimes you just can't keep going.

Your brain is fried, your mind is tired, and no matter how long you stare at the blank Word document nothing comes to mind. You can't do it. You're tapped out.

You can do one of two things in a situation like this. The first is to sit there with grim determination, gritting your teeth and trying to force your brain to do what you need it to do. This method has iffy results in my experience; more often than not I wind up sitting there for hours until my inner thoughts become silent screams of frustration. I get tense, I get sick, I go a little nuts thinking about all the work I have to do and how my life's purpose has been reduced to sitting in front of a computer trying to write something that just doesn't want to be written.

I imagine none of this is particularly good for your health.


The second option is procrastination.

Play a game. I find puzzle games in particular to be the most useful. There's this one I play on addictinggames called 3-D puzzle something or other and it calms me down every time. Organizes my thoughts. It's pretty great.

Talk to someone. Vid chat, over aim, texting. I guess you can make a phone call if you absolutely have to. If you're lucky that person will be willing to spend four to five hours on complete nonsense with you, but it will be quality nonsense and you'll wake up in the morning and crank out another 3,000 words for that novel project you've been working on all semester (Thanks, Rachel!)

And when you need just a little break, write a blog post. Write a blog post on procrastination. Get all meta on that shit.


And then get back to work.

Countdown

17: days until I come home
10: places I STILL haven't been and want to go
5: assignments for creative writing portfolio
2: essays to research and write
1: theatre journal to finish up

But we all know I Can't Math so it is possible these calculations are inaccurate and the countdown may be a failure - blinking lights, drumroll, anxiety, and Large Multimillion Dollar Light Up Countdown Board all a waste. I suppose we'll see.

I don't feel like I've done a whole lot here, but I've grown to love London anyway, and in quiet moments between paragraphs about the First World War and Trade Unions I stare out my flat window and find myself desperately wishing that I could stay. But then I think of pumpkin pie and my family and you lovely people and I can't wait to get on the plane. I miss you all more than I can say, darlings.

ALSO WHAT ARE MY EMOTIONS DOING. ESSAYS AND MINI-MENTAL BREAKDOWNS OVER THE FUUUUTURE AND UGH ESSAYS AND FUCKING ESSAYS AND FUCK EVERYTHING I am going ice skating. 

I almost posted this on the Other Blog, because OH MAN SARAH you are such an eloquent writer it is most definitely Not Fair. And how could I mar that gorgeous prose and those stories that give me hope and what can I say in response I've been trying to think of how to phrase the sensation in my ribs when I read it, but can't quite get it down and now here I am, puking up a hasty update but I figured I should let you all know I'm alive and can we all do a little honeymoon when we're all in the same state again, just for a night because hey! We're Just Married!

But, then, I've been listening to this song for days and days because why  not and no gif really encapsulated the weird headspace I'm CLEARLY occupying here (Overuse of Capitalization and Run On Sentences must lead to some horrible diagnosis oh god forgive me guys) SO YOU GET A SONG AND A HORRIBLE POST.  NOW I HAVE TO GO I AM HONESTLY GOING TO GO ICE SKATING ILU ALL.