I aint got much to say, except
Friday, December 21, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
The Darkest Timeline
I have spent the last few days agonizing over where I went wrong. At what point did I make the wrong decision, take the wrong turn in the road that has led me to this point? I cannot for the life of figure out where this went so wrong, where I made the wrong decision. I try so hard to do the right thing and be there when people need me, but it's just not enough this semester. And I just can't figure out why. Which really fucking sucks.
Don't ever say that things can't get worse because this is the semester that will show you just how wrong you are.
A guy I knew died last night. Fell out of a window. I don't know how high or when it happened or how it happened. Judging from the general rumors and speculation, it wasn't an accident. I'm not going to lie and say that I knew him really well. It was a sort of I could pick him out of a crowd and I knew his name, but we weren't even facebook friends. But he was such a nice guy. This awkward, gangly kid with an intense afro and the craziest sock collection. He was planning on going to The Hobbit next week. He had an internship with Dropbox this summer. I just don't understand. I don't understand why or how.
I don't understand how after doing my damnest all semester for everyone who asked, I wind up alone in my dorm room crying about a boy I barely knew.
I went out with my friends just to be with people, but Adam (who knew the guy better than I) wanted to see me. So after literally 3 minutes with my friends, I went back to him. We hung out for awhile. And then I get a message from my former roommate that her life is falling apart, so I run out to help her. To talk her about what is upsetting her.
During that timeframe, the friends with whom I was originally with were talking about going to a 24-hour diner. I note that I miss all the fun things. One of them responds, "well, we probably won't be moving for awhile." I tell them to keep me posted.
They don't.
I finish with my former roommate and call my friends. They went on without me. They completely forget me. Which fucking sucks. Because I have dropped so many things on a fucking dime for them and I am not even a first or second thought to them. This past week, I have stayed up ungodly late to finish work because someone showed up at my house in tears and needed to talk. Or I was out walking alone to get to a place because someone needed me there. And yet they cannot even remember to text me or bother to ask how things are going. And I cannot bring myself to talk to them because I know what they are going through and I do not want to add to anything.
But where does that leave me?
I want to fix this, but I can't.
I can't bring the dead back. I can't fix relationships. I can't undo what has been done. I cannot make this better. I can only hope to good enough to skate by.
There are 10 days left to this semester. I just have to survive.
I hate to dump all of this on you guys, especially without a song to lighten this up. But these are dark times. And I don't even have any matches.
EDIT: Rereading this the next day and I feel selfish all things considered. But I don't think that should negate some things.
Don't ever say that things can't get worse because this is the semester that will show you just how wrong you are.
A guy I knew died last night. Fell out of a window. I don't know how high or when it happened or how it happened. Judging from the general rumors and speculation, it wasn't an accident. I'm not going to lie and say that I knew him really well. It was a sort of I could pick him out of a crowd and I knew his name, but we weren't even facebook friends. But he was such a nice guy. This awkward, gangly kid with an intense afro and the craziest sock collection. He was planning on going to The Hobbit next week. He had an internship with Dropbox this summer. I just don't understand. I don't understand why or how.
I don't understand how after doing my damnest all semester for everyone who asked, I wind up alone in my dorm room crying about a boy I barely knew.
I went out with my friends just to be with people, but Adam (who knew the guy better than I) wanted to see me. So after literally 3 minutes with my friends, I went back to him. We hung out for awhile. And then I get a message from my former roommate that her life is falling apart, so I run out to help her. To talk her about what is upsetting her.
During that timeframe, the friends with whom I was originally with were talking about going to a 24-hour diner. I note that I miss all the fun things. One of them responds, "well, we probably won't be moving for awhile." I tell them to keep me posted.
They don't.
I finish with my former roommate and call my friends. They went on without me. They completely forget me. Which fucking sucks. Because I have dropped so many things on a fucking dime for them and I am not even a first or second thought to them. This past week, I have stayed up ungodly late to finish work because someone showed up at my house in tears and needed to talk. Or I was out walking alone to get to a place because someone needed me there. And yet they cannot even remember to text me or bother to ask how things are going. And I cannot bring myself to talk to them because I know what they are going through and I do not want to add to anything.
But where does that leave me?
I want to fix this, but I can't.
I can't bring the dead back. I can't fix relationships. I can't undo what has been done. I cannot make this better. I can only hope to good enough to skate by.
There are 10 days left to this semester. I just have to survive.
I hate to dump all of this on you guys, especially without a song to lighten this up. But these are dark times. And I don't even have any matches.
EDIT: Rereading this the next day and I feel selfish all things considered. But I don't think that should negate some things.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
You're in the Wrong Part of Town, Buddy
I can taste the sweet freedom of winter break. I have completed the treacherous Nine Project Week. I have lost several days of sleep, survived many hours of car-sick feelings, and thwarted some minor hallucinations.
I return to this mortal realm only to see all of you struggling, and I would like to give you words of comfort. It is hard! You will be tired! But you CAN do it, because you are all fucking fantastic.
You all make me as happy as this cleavage bird:
Please let me know if you guys need any help! I have a lot of free time until the end of the semester. I can research for you. I can distract. I can recommend games or movies or TV shows. I can chat. Let me help all of you!
When I was working on my projects, I found that ingesting too much caffeine and listening to instrumentals really helped me focus and write. Also, video game music. Lone Star is a song from a quirky indie game I picked up in a Humble Bundle. You can tell it was designed for a touch-screen tablet or phone, but is workable on a computer as well. It's kind of like a puzzle/action/mystery game, where the main character is on a quest to conquer some unconquerable power at great cost.
It is full of interesting, original music and incredibly silly and witty one-liners. Colorful, yet dark pixel scenery sets a good tone for the gameplay. The world is a little small, but there is a lot of originality behind the way it is laid out and the events that occur in it. It's even a thought-provoking game, in a "what the heck is going on and whyyyy" kind of way. Most indie games these days are platformers, puzzle, or physics games, so this was a refreshing game to play, and something I'd recommend to others.
Ugh. Rainbows. Scythians loath rainbows.
I return to this mortal realm only to see all of you struggling, and I would like to give you words of comfort. It is hard! You will be tired! But you CAN do it, because you are all fucking fantastic.
You all make me as happy as this cleavage bird:
Please let me know if you guys need any help! I have a lot of free time until the end of the semester. I can research for you. I can distract. I can recommend games or movies or TV shows. I can chat. Let me help all of you!
When I was working on my projects, I found that ingesting too much caffeine and listening to instrumentals really helped me focus and write. Also, video game music. Lone Star is a song from a quirky indie game I picked up in a Humble Bundle. You can tell it was designed for a touch-screen tablet or phone, but is workable on a computer as well. It's kind of like a puzzle/action/mystery game, where the main character is on a quest to conquer some unconquerable power at great cost.
It is full of interesting, original music and incredibly silly and witty one-liners. Colorful, yet dark pixel scenery sets a good tone for the gameplay. The world is a little small, but there is a lot of originality behind the way it is laid out and the events that occur in it. It's even a thought-provoking game, in a "what the heck is going on and whyyyy" kind of way. Most indie games these days are platformers, puzzle, or physics games, so this was a refreshing game to play, and something I'd recommend to others.
Ugh. Rainbows. Scythians loath rainbows.
On the Merits of Procrastination
Sometimes you just can't keep going.
Your brain is fried, your mind is tired, and no matter how long you stare at the blank Word document nothing comes to mind. You can't do it. You're tapped out.
You can do one of two things in a situation like this. The first is to sit there with grim determination, gritting your teeth and trying to force your brain to do what you need it to do. This method has iffy results in my experience; more often than not I wind up sitting there for hours until my inner thoughts become silent screams of frustration. I get tense, I get sick, I go a little nuts thinking about all the work I have to do and how my life's purpose has been reduced to sitting in front of a computer trying to write something that just doesn't want to be written.
I imagine none of this is particularly good for your health.
The second option is procrastination.
Play a game. I find puzzle games in particular to be the most useful. There's this one I play on addictinggames called 3-D puzzle something or other and it calms me down every time. Organizes my thoughts. It's pretty great.
Talk to someone. Vid chat, over aim, texting. I guess you can make a phone call if you absolutely have to. If you're lucky that person will be willing to spend four to five hours on complete nonsense with you, but it will be quality nonsense and you'll wake up in the morning and crank out another 3,000 words for that novel project you've been working on all semester (Thanks, Rachel!)
And when you need just a little break, write a blog post. Write a blog post on procrastination. Get all meta on that shit.
And then get back to work.
Your brain is fried, your mind is tired, and no matter how long you stare at the blank Word document nothing comes to mind. You can't do it. You're tapped out.
You can do one of two things in a situation like this. The first is to sit there with grim determination, gritting your teeth and trying to force your brain to do what you need it to do. This method has iffy results in my experience; more often than not I wind up sitting there for hours until my inner thoughts become silent screams of frustration. I get tense, I get sick, I go a little nuts thinking about all the work I have to do and how my life's purpose has been reduced to sitting in front of a computer trying to write something that just doesn't want to be written.
I imagine none of this is particularly good for your health.
The second option is procrastination.
Play a game. I find puzzle games in particular to be the most useful. There's this one I play on addictinggames called 3-D puzzle something or other and it calms me down every time. Organizes my thoughts. It's pretty great.
Talk to someone. Vid chat, over aim, texting. I guess you can make a phone call if you absolutely have to. If you're lucky that person will be willing to spend four to five hours on complete nonsense with you, but it will be quality nonsense and you'll wake up in the morning and crank out another 3,000 words for that novel project you've been working on all semester (Thanks, Rachel!)
And when you need just a little break, write a blog post. Write a blog post on procrastination. Get all meta on that shit.
And then get back to work.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The end can't get here soon enough
This undoubtedly has been the worst semester of my college career thus far. I know that I mentioned this at Thanksgiving, but it's like I simply cannot catch a break this semester. It's like everything is collapsing and, as a somewhat mature person, everyone where looks to me to be the iron-willed safe haven in the vastly wild, and chaotic sea of life. But that begs the question, who is my unfailing savior of support in this? I believe that job falls to you guys for the most part.
Next week marks the last week of classes. And, as an English major, that means pretty much everything is gonna be due.
And yet, I cannot muster the motivation to do anything productive (academically speaking), or creatively speaking.
This semester is the semester of writers' block, which sucks. And it's something that I cannot get my mathematically or scientifically- inclined friends to understand. Writers' block isn't something that I can go to Office Hours for. I can't get someone to tutor me or teach me or anything. I just have to keep trying, beating my head against the solid wall of failure. And it's not even like what I am writing is bad; I literally cannot write.
I know you are saying, "Rachel, you are writing right now." That is not the same. This is me, talking to you. Not trying to create a coherent novel or give you nonfiction story with a point or moral. this is me bitching about things, as per usual.
I registered to be a bone marrow donor. I've been telling people that and pretty much everyone has been trying to talk me out of it.
"You know how much that hurts right?"
"Oh man, you're not gonna be able to walk."
"I know someone that donated their kidney to their sister. And they had to have 17 surgeries after the donation because of complications."
Not exactly the vote of confidence I was hoping for in that regard.
And in regards to Sarah's post, which hit the nail on the head in regards to a lot of the FEELINGS that are happening. My facebook newsfeed is pretty much blowing up with everyone accepting job offers and such or talking about their successes in life. There's a girl that I am friends with that I have to block her posts because she makes me feel so bad about my life.
At this point, I am just going through the motions and praying for the end of the semester to come sooner rather than later. That way I can return home and hide amongst the bosom of irresponsibility for a bit. Though since the parents left, it's not much of a safe haven with a fully stocked fridge anymore.
I should stop procrastinating. My mountains of work won't do themselves...unfortunately. Also InDesign, though I understand it a bit more (thanks Missy!), I still hate it. And wtf is Illustrator? I refuse to bother with that, though it would make my letterpress project go smoother, apparently.
18 Days until I return.
Be ready.
Also, here's a song!
Next week marks the last week of classes. And, as an English major, that means pretty much everything is gonna be due.
And yet, I cannot muster the motivation to do anything productive (academically speaking), or creatively speaking.
This semester is the semester of writers' block, which sucks. And it's something that I cannot get my mathematically or scientifically- inclined friends to understand. Writers' block isn't something that I can go to Office Hours for. I can't get someone to tutor me or teach me or anything. I just have to keep trying, beating my head against the solid wall of failure. And it's not even like what I am writing is bad; I literally cannot write.
I know you are saying, "Rachel, you are writing right now." That is not the same. This is me, talking to you. Not trying to create a coherent novel or give you nonfiction story with a point or moral. this is me bitching about things, as per usual.
I registered to be a bone marrow donor. I've been telling people that and pretty much everyone has been trying to talk me out of it.
"You know how much that hurts right?"
"Oh man, you're not gonna be able to walk."
"I know someone that donated their kidney to their sister. And they had to have 17 surgeries after the donation because of complications."
Not exactly the vote of confidence I was hoping for in that regard.
And in regards to Sarah's post, which hit the nail on the head in regards to a lot of the FEELINGS that are happening. My facebook newsfeed is pretty much blowing up with everyone accepting job offers and such or talking about their successes in life. There's a girl that I am friends with that I have to block her posts because she makes me feel so bad about my life.
At this point, I am just going through the motions and praying for the end of the semester to come sooner rather than later. That way I can return home and hide amongst the bosom of irresponsibility for a bit. Though since the parents left, it's not much of a safe haven with a fully stocked fridge anymore.
I should stop procrastinating. My mountains of work won't do themselves...unfortunately. Also InDesign, though I understand it a bit more (thanks Missy!), I still hate it. And wtf is Illustrator? I refuse to bother with that, though it would make my letterpress project go smoother, apparently.
18 Days until I return.
Be ready.
Also, here's a song!
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